A Re-Definition

Why is it we spend so much of our time, starting at pre-adolescence, trying to define ourselves? We spend so many of our waking hours trying to figure out who we are, what we want, why we're here, how we should be living our lives. And, it seems, as soon as we've got it figured out, something shifts and the whole process starts again.

Life's a bitch.

I'm tired. 


But... "Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits!" -- Rocky Balboa

I refuse to settle for any subpar life. So I'm doing what I have to do and I will continue for as long as I need to.

Daaaasssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt.

Garden State

Garden State was on TV today. By far one of the best movies I've ever seen. By far one of the best soundtracks I've ever heard. I was inclined to listen to it right now, seeing as I haven't for so long. Don't know what told me this was a good idea in the mood I'm currently in. This is the soundtrack of my Junior and Senior years -- the sound of depression.

I'm scared right now. I need to find some faith in the world, 'cause uncertainty is the root of fear and I... am... afraid.

Awesomeness

This is even better than Oprah's gratitude deal. Just random awesomeness. Loves it.

Click to experience!!

A Virtuous Woman is Hard to Find

Patience is a virtue. But gat DAMN, it's a tricky one.

I've always been relatively proud of my sense of patience. In a lot of ways, I'm a much more patient person than most others I know. At the same time, I was quite careful of not getting sucked into the "putting up with shit I shouldn't put up with and calling it patience" game. Now, I'm not quite sure of either. I struggle to find patience when I want it yet still wonder if I'm just allowing certain things to happen and telling myself I'm being patient when really I'm just being a puss, afraid to deal with them head on [apply directly to the forehead].

Rationally, I feel I'm being smart. I'm not deluding  myself about things. But I'm losing grasp of the Robot in me. All these emotions are fuckin with my psyche and... I'm tired. That's pretty much what it comes down to. I am tired and it's making me lose my perspicacity. I hate when I lose that shit... it's always in the last place you look.

Gratitude

Taking a page from the Goddess of Daytime Talk Shows, Oprah Winfrey... I'm gonna be gay and list the things I'm grateful for. Apparently, it's supposed to really cheer you up, no matter how big or small the list items are. So, here goes:

At the risk of sounding really dramatic and self-pitying, I can't help but feel like I'm being punished for... something. I know there are large parts of my childhood/adolescence I've blocked out by the fact that every once in a while I remember something pretty huge and I'm shocked. I am genuinely baffled by some new memory that pops up and it frightens me a little bit, but I can't change it. There are facts and events in my life that, for whatever reason, I have tried to forget. So, I'm sure there's something dark and mysterious in there somewhere that was so awful and so hideous that I buried it way in the depths of my mind, hoping to never have to think of it again. And I'm sure that karma is continuously kicking my ass for whatever that deep, dark secret memory is.

You can't handle the truth!!!

A friend of mine tweeted something yesterday that stuck out to me and has reverberated in my mind since then: "Its SO emotionally draining to always be honest with ppl who can't receive it for what it is and nothing more..." 

Paradox

Highly Sexualized Asexual.
Chaste Deviant.
Ethical Slut.

Over the years I've accepted those labels and others in terms of my sexuality and relationships. I coined a lot of em, actually, cuz I was the only one I knew. Was hoping to start a trend...

Mediocrity at its most... blehhh.

6am.
Wide awake with nothing to do.
Watching "How I Met Your Mother" on Demand.
[Hooray Rogers Ditigal Box.]
[For the record, this show is not that funny when you don't happen to come across it channel surfing.]
Thought, "Why don't I pull up the old blog, write some stuff?"
...I got nothing.

It's All In My Head... I Hope?

I think I am a hypochondriac. Not the smart kind of hypochondriac that is at the doctor's office every other week getting checked out for some perceived illness or another. That would be too easy for me, I think.

Steppin Out

Listening to a man have a lover's spat with the woman who is not his lawfully wedded wife is just... heartbreaking.

Ignorance is not bliss... it's annoying!

I have always had really high standards for myself & for the people close to me. Part of having high standards for myself is being really self-aware and bringing myself to account at all times... I need to know if I'm fucking up so I can know how to fix it. So, naturally, my high standards for others involves them also being aware & honest about their faults. But I slowly have less and less faith in people's ability to do so.

My Voice: The Hiatus

I find myself unable to blog because I don't want to write about anything until I've finished recounting this story.