I think I am a hypochondriac. Not the smart kind of hypochondriac that is at the doctor's office every other week getting checked out for some perceived illness or another. That would be too easy for me, I think.
I'm the kind of hypochondriac that can sit and diagnose myself with all kinds of issues, but is terrified of getting checked out. I am afraid of becoming that person who spends inordinate amounts of time at the doctor's office, so I just don't want to start down that road. I'm afraid of becoming the person who has so many things wrong with her she spends the majority of her life taking medication or various different treatments, so I just avoid the diagnoses that may lead to that lifestyle. But, on the flipside of that coin, I'm also the person who could probably have lived a much healthier life if she took care of herself from early onset of the issues that plague her, rather than let them progress unchecked.
I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon that I'm terrified about. But, the most frightening part is that part of me genuinely wishes something is seriously wrong with me. I'm praying for some kind of diagnosis that will explain why I feel like shit so often. I am looking for something to justify me being so off and, maybe, garner some sympathy -- you can't really blame someone who's chronically ill for being unable to live a normal life, now can you? Mostly I'm just hoping for an answer; I'm hoping for something concrete that I can know how to fix, rather than just continuing to hope I magically get better one day.
The one person most affected by me not being normal is the one person I do not ever want to upset in any way. This is the most confusing and terrifying part. In one aspect, I hate feeling like I'm stringing him along. I'm a major cause of frustration and unhappiness -- through no fault of my own, but it is a fact nonetheless. I don't want this uncertainty and confusion affecting him anymore. I don't like that he feels guilty because neither of us really knows what's wrong but he gets frustrated by it from time to time. I despise that he isn't able to be himself with me, always having to adjust and, now, simply turning off aspects of himself in relation to me to avoid being frustrated or disappointed. I feel the strain on our relationship everyday and it kills me. I want to do something, anything, to alleviate this burden on him or at least change the dynamic somehow.
But, in the other sense, obviously I am terrified of what a change in dynamic for the worse will do to him. I don't want to put him through any more pain or worrying or frustration. If something is seriously wrong with me and I have to go through any major process or treatment, I don't want to drag him through the mud with me. Obviously that's not to say I have any intention of shutting him out or isolating him -- he is my greatest source of strength and it would be stupid to push that away at the time I would need him most -- but I cannot deny the guilt I already feel at the thought of putting him through that.
I guess, at the end of this, I'm just frightened. I don't know what to expect nor how to cope with whatever comes from this. If it is something serious, I am unsure if I will be able to take care of it. If it's nothing serious, I don't know how I will deal with being left in uncertainty, feeling like crap in so many ways without any clue of how I can fix it. I just don't know.
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