My Voice: The Breakup

Things felt great with my new friend. After a few months of cultivating and enjoying our friendship, we had developed a kind of closeness we couldn't quite define. Neither of us liked the term "best friends" for various reasons, but we recognized that label could be used to define us. After some time, he began speaking to me of his inner battle regarding commitment. While he had avoided specific details, we did speak about other girls he was seeing, being that our friendship was so based on openness and honesty. He shared that he was considering committing to one girl in particular and having a monogamous relationship. Aside from his concerns with commitment in general, he also expressed that a part of his hesitation was enjoying his time with me and feeling uncertain of how that would change. On hearing and internalizing that specific point, I made the realization that I had to really think about what we were doing and what would happen with us long-term.

My Voice: The Beginning

I had reached a point at which I knew I wanted something - I couldn't quite identify what it was, yet I knew I was ready to go out and start searching. But the quickness and ease with which I found it made me realize I'd never had much hope to actually find what I was looking for; I was simply trying to enjoy the process. The process was anything but enjoyable, though.

Sexual Healing... needed.

I am hesitant to write this blog entry. Generally speaking, if it's on my own terms, I don't give a shit about putting my personal business out there for people to see. There's nothing you can learn about me that changes who I am -- if your impression of me drastically changes, you clearly just had a misguided impression. Not gonna fault you for that; it's just a fact. But that's another entry in and of itself. My issue now is I never like to disclose other peoples' personal business. Obviously anyone who has access to or reads this blog knows who my other [better] half is... and I'm not sure I'm comfortable sharing this aspect of his [our] life [lives] with anyone else. But, I'm just gonna go ahead with this and see whether or not I actually post it.

Being A Robot 101

Being an emotionless drone is... actually much more difficult than it may appear to be. There are a few keys to being a robot that will make your robot life a successful one.

I know I sometimes send guys mixed signals. But has ANYONE ever considered that part of the problem is you are jumping to conclusions? My signals may be completely clear and straightforward, but you're so quick to assume what I want that you draw completely different meanings behind my actions/words. that's where things get mixed.

I won't get into the entirety of relationships between men & women because this post will end up being a thesis paper. I just wanna explore WHY we limit ourselves to such defined boxes. A guy and girl meet each other, it's automatic attempt-to-sleep-together-or-not. There's very rarely let's-wait-and-see-what-we-want-over-time. Guy and girl realize they wanna sleep together, it automatically has to be put into Actual Relationship or Casual Sex. They [one or both of them] realize they don't want to sleep together and certain topics, certain kinds of interactions are immediately "off limits." There is NO room for any inbetween. How obnoxious...

I am a very open person. I won't run away from nor avoid certain topics because I "might get misinterpreted." Especially if I'm very clear in letting it be known that just because I say it doesn't mean I'm vying to make it happen. I don't lie about nor deny attraction between myself and others because we're "not supposed to" have it. Being attracted doesn't mean we need to act on it, nor does it mean I no longer wish to be friends. I just feel it's better to be honest and clear, but we CAN still have a relationship in which we know our parameters.

I'm getting increasingly annoyed at having to "play the game" [I'm also getting increasingly annoyed at my use of quotations in this post... but everything regarding this seems so stupid and superficial to me, it deserves quotations] because people don't know how to break free of these societal constraints. I'm telling you in very clear terms what I want and what I'm looking for. I have asked you if YOU are uncomfortable or concerned with your own feelings and gotten, quite emphatically, "no, not at all. this is awesome. i love the way you think/move," yet I still get this lameness and awkwardness surrounding a lot of things.

this is something i will say a million times, but i really wish i could totally deconstruct then rebuild people's realities. unlearn everything you've been taught, especially about relationships, then we all build our OWN realities of what's okay, what's expected, etc. and, at that point, all that is required is understanding and respect of each others' realities. what works for you may not work for me -- doesn't mean you're wrong, just means our relationship should be limited to what works for both of us.

damn. sounds so simple when i say it.