She's without...

I can't fathom life without.
More and more, I feel that's my only option. I know I can, I know I'd survive.
But I don't WANT to. I don't know what that would look like and I don't WANT to know.
This is all I've wanted since before I was allowed to want it.

.....I feel so stupid & young & naive. I don't want anyone's pity.

Paradox Pt.2

Sometimes, I think I need to just call it a day and go back to the life I used to live. Return to the Highly Sexualized Asexual. My body is a bitch and I clearly am not meant to live as the sexual deviant I am in my head. The disconnect between mind and body is too large. It's so difficult to be myself and think and speak how I truly want to because I know my body can't deliver on all that, so I just feel like a liar or  hypocrite. "I don't deserve a relationship if I can't offer what was indirectly promised." I should just throw in the towel and go back to being the girl who constantly talks about sex, thinks about sex, writes about sex, watches sex, reads about sex, etc but never actually HAS sex. Life was different then, but at least I wasn't unhappy. And I definitely wasn't making anyone else unhappy. Horny? Absolutely. Disappointed from time to time? Maybe. But never inherently unhappy.

..........but then I remember how fucking good sex is when it works the way it's supposed to. Intense and messy wet and tingly through my whole body... and I say, "Fuck that." Literally.

eWhat? eMotions...?

Tonight, I am angry.