Pet Peeve #1 -- people who SUCK at communicating.
that can be a very broad statement, cuz it's applicable in so many different ways. but in this post, i'm specifically talking about the people who literally cannot hold a conversation. those convos that are just riddled with awkward pauses and "yeah lol." i hate anything contrived. if i have to go out of my way to THINK of things to say to you to keep the conversation from dying, i simply will not do it.
i recently thought i'd make more of an effort to be friendly and outgoing, but very quickly remembered why i don't bother. cuz PEOPLE SUCK.* so i've just gone back to being myself and only talking to people who are worth the time and energy.
gentlemen in the gallery, if you are interested in a girl and want to talk to her, my advice to you is to TALK. have conversations, get to know about different aspects of her, share with her some aspects of yourself or your life, make her feel comfortable and happy to be engaged in an interaction with you. starting conversations that go no further than "hey what's up? not much. oh... cool," is really not conducive to... anything. good nor bad.
FOR REAL, even if you're not really trying to get to know her and simply wanna get in her pants, say something to let that be known! be flirtatious, be suggestive, just straight up say, "yo, here's the deal: ur sexy & i'm pretty decent-looking [girls have been with me and NOT vomited so...], we should get naked together." just say something, for the love of god, SAY SOMETHING!
i'm tired of people pulling me into to conversations i then have to take full responsibility to manage. so if you start a convo with me and you find i'm not very talkative, chances are i've given up on your ass. when you communicate with me, i'll communicate with you. if you fail to do so, sorry. maybe you should find someone else.
[*for the record, i think that's my motto in life. people suck. it pretty much sums up my feelings about any situation i'm ever in, ever. note: may be varied to more specific groups of people eg. "girls suck" or "the guy who owns the jamaican restaurant by my house sucks"]
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
help me help you
how do we offer people the right help? the phrase of the month seems to be "it's just about touch" and i suppose this applies here too. realistically speaking, i suppose it applies EVERYWHERE -- moderation in all things.
i have this curse: i avoid helping people too much in ways they want/expect, but i seem unable to stop myself from helping in ways that are often unwanted. where it gets really tricky is when people tell me they "want my help, really value my help"... cuz then i feel somehow entitled to push myself in and offer assistance, only to be pushed right back out. "um, i didn't really ask for your opinion. i don't like it, don't agree with it. thanks anyway."
from a very young age, i got so SICK of people coming to me with the same kinds of problems, over and over. i seemed to be the only person who recognized the patterns and who was able to be objective enough to recognize solutions. and always, "khadija, you're so smart. omg, what would i do without you? whenever i have a problem with ____________, i'm coming to you." not to be self-righteous, but it got annoying as hell.
but i realize now it's equally annoying to put myself out there and try to help people, only to be turned away or shut out for whatever reasons. again, i'm not trying to be self-righteous but i SEE the issues. i SEE what's holding you back and how you can make small changes to better your situation, though it may be difficult. usually, when i get such closed off/oppositional responses to my offers of help, all i really hear is "no, i'd actually rather sit in this negative feeling a bit longer. it's just easier than recognizing my role in my own unhappiness or actively changing anything to fix it. thanks anyway."
and people are entitled to that. it's totally valid to need some time to sit in your negative emotions for a while, so you can properly process them. but if you're gonna be miserable, then don't bring it to me. thanks anyway. not cuz i'm a heartless robot who doesn't care about your feelings, but because you putting your feelings on me automatically ellicits a desire to help you. and i am NOT a fan of being "helpful" by sitting and listening to you bitch and complain. if you're gonna be miserable and not attempt to be productive, don't involve me. i just can't be part of that.
don't get me wrong, i have my times when i sit and mope and just allow myself to be miserable. if i didn't, then i WOULD be a robot. i sit & dwell in my negative feelings, i let the weight of them really hit me -- simply so i'm fully aware of what i'm dealing with. and i try to avoid that negativity spilling over onto anyone else; it's an internal process. but then i get up, i shift gears in my mentality, and i WORK TOWARDS CHANGE.
it's just so hard to try to help people who aren't ready to put in that work. part of them hears and understands what i'm trying to share with them. they're just not ready to internalize it nor consider putting it into practice. quite frustrating, but moreso it's just heartbreaking. what the heck do i do??
of this, the biggest lesson i have learned over the years is don't offer help that hasn't been asked for. if they're not asking, they probably don't want it. it's just really hard to sit back and watch your loved ones be stuck in unwanted situations or, even worse, watch them head down a path you KNOW will end badly. i want happy, healthy lives for EVERYONE. i just gotta realize they also want that for themselves, but on their own terms. and it may simply take them a little bit longer to get there...
i have this curse: i avoid helping people too much in ways they want/expect, but i seem unable to stop myself from helping in ways that are often unwanted. where it gets really tricky is when people tell me they "want my help, really value my help"... cuz then i feel somehow entitled to push myself in and offer assistance, only to be pushed right back out. "um, i didn't really ask for your opinion. i don't like it, don't agree with it. thanks anyway."
from a very young age, i got so SICK of people coming to me with the same kinds of problems, over and over. i seemed to be the only person who recognized the patterns and who was able to be objective enough to recognize solutions. and always, "khadija, you're so smart. omg, what would i do without you? whenever i have a problem with ____________, i'm coming to you." not to be self-righteous, but it got annoying as hell.
but i realize now it's equally annoying to put myself out there and try to help people, only to be turned away or shut out for whatever reasons. again, i'm not trying to be self-righteous but i SEE the issues. i SEE what's holding you back and how you can make small changes to better your situation, though it may be difficult. usually, when i get such closed off/oppositional responses to my offers of help, all i really hear is "no, i'd actually rather sit in this negative feeling a bit longer. it's just easier than recognizing my role in my own unhappiness or actively changing anything to fix it. thanks anyway."
and people are entitled to that. it's totally valid to need some time to sit in your negative emotions for a while, so you can properly process them. but if you're gonna be miserable, then don't bring it to me. thanks anyway. not cuz i'm a heartless robot who doesn't care about your feelings, but because you putting your feelings on me automatically ellicits a desire to help you. and i am NOT a fan of being "helpful" by sitting and listening to you bitch and complain. if you're gonna be miserable and not attempt to be productive, don't involve me. i just can't be part of that.
don't get me wrong, i have my times when i sit and mope and just allow myself to be miserable. if i didn't, then i WOULD be a robot. i sit & dwell in my negative feelings, i let the weight of them really hit me -- simply so i'm fully aware of what i'm dealing with. and i try to avoid that negativity spilling over onto anyone else; it's an internal process. but then i get up, i shift gears in my mentality, and i WORK TOWARDS CHANGE.
it's just so hard to try to help people who aren't ready to put in that work. part of them hears and understands what i'm trying to share with them. they're just not ready to internalize it nor consider putting it into practice. quite frustrating, but moreso it's just heartbreaking. what the heck do i do??
of this, the biggest lesson i have learned over the years is don't offer help that hasn't been asked for. if they're not asking, they probably don't want it. it's just really hard to sit back and watch your loved ones be stuck in unwanted situations or, even worse, watch them head down a path you KNOW will end badly. i want happy, healthy lives for EVERYONE. i just gotta realize they also want that for themselves, but on their own terms. and it may simply take them a little bit longer to get there...
Remember when blogs were all the rage?
I feel like blogs were a fad of... 5 years ago, maybe? Don't actually remember. Myspace pages flooded with "customized" HTML were another fad of that time span, I think. I'm wondering if anyone remembers the personal sites people used to have. Those pages on angelfire or similar sites. Crap that was plastered with random pictures of themselves nobody really wanted to see. The horrific graphics - music notes or butterflies floating up and down the screen. Some random song automatically playing as soon as the page loaded that nobody knew how to stop for a while, so we just had to mute our speakers.
Yeah, I avoided all of those. And I've always avoided blogs. I've journaled pretty much my entire life and written in a manner I've known was stereotypically "entertaining." Or even worse [selon moi (p.s. my writing is peppered with random french phrases cuz that's how i think)] some stuff I've written has gotten responses that it was so "poetic" and "moving, beautifully written, you've really spoken to me." ...Gag me, please. I've just never had the desire to write for the sake of other people. I've written to give home to my thoughts, put them somewhere concrete so they can organize themselves and be understood [by me so as to better help others understand them].
I dunno. I guess 2Easy and Ill Dapoe have gotten into my brain a bit. Maybe I'm just an easily influenced person who likes to pretend she's better than everyone else when, at the end of the day, she does and enjoys all the same shit they do.
....no. I am better. *shrug* Deal with it. lol
Point is I'm not making this blog all pretty and customized with colours and fonts and pictures. I'm really not even sure if I'm gonna promote it at all -- as in I may not let anyone know I have it, if you find it and read it and enjoy it, awesome. If you happen to tell your friend, great. If not, d'ah well. I'll keep writing.
I just miss writing and I have a lot of half-formed thoughts in my head that need a little bit of assistance putting themselves together. So... here we go!
Yeah, I avoided all of those. And I've always avoided blogs. I've journaled pretty much my entire life and written in a manner I've known was stereotypically "entertaining." Or even worse [selon moi (p.s. my writing is peppered with random french phrases cuz that's how i think)] some stuff I've written has gotten responses that it was so "poetic" and "moving, beautifully written, you've really spoken to me." ...Gag me, please. I've just never had the desire to write for the sake of other people. I've written to give home to my thoughts, put them somewhere concrete so they can organize themselves and be understood [by me so as to better help others understand them].
I dunno. I guess 2Easy and Ill Dapoe have gotten into my brain a bit. Maybe I'm just an easily influenced person who likes to pretend she's better than everyone else when, at the end of the day, she does and enjoys all the same shit they do.
....no. I am better. *shrug* Deal with it. lol
Point is I'm not making this blog all pretty and customized with colours and fonts and pictures. I'm really not even sure if I'm gonna promote it at all -- as in I may not let anyone know I have it, if you find it and read it and enjoy it, awesome. If you happen to tell your friend, great. If not, d'ah well. I'll keep writing.
I just miss writing and I have a lot of half-formed thoughts in my head that need a little bit of assistance putting themselves together. So... here we go!
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