"I think often what I feel... is obligation. Or guilt over wanting to leave. Rage... against [him], against God.
But then I look at him and I make myself see the man that I married. And he becomes that man. He's transformed into someone that I love. And I'm transformed into someone who loves him.
It's not all the time, but... it's enough."

Here's the thing: sexual dysfunction has ruined marriages; sexual addiction has ruined marriages.

None of it is fair. None of it is easy.

Here's the other thing: I *cannot* be someone who gives up on the things that are important to me because they are difficult. I just can't.

MonogaWho?

I think it's pretty safe to say monogamy is not natural for me. I am in no way opposed to the lifestyle. I see the value in it and I am more than capable of living a happy, fulfilled life monogamously. But I can say, quite confidently, that it is not my natural tendency.

I just wanna get married, though.

Is that too much to ask? You love someone, wanna spend the rest of your life with them... just fuckin get married.

Like... sheeeeiitttt.

Reconnecting With Her

Every once in a while, when I'm feeling extra lost, I go back and revisit the person I was when I was at my lowest. I always think it will help me put things in perspective and appreciate the life I have now... but it really just makes me feel even worse. I did not like much about myself or my life back then, but at least I knew who I was. I knew what I stood for and I knew who I wanted to be.

She's without...

I can't fathom life without.
More and more, I feel that's my only option. I know I can, I know I'd survive.
But I don't WANT to. I don't know what that would look like and I don't WANT to know.
This is all I've wanted since before I was allowed to want it.

.....I feel so stupid & young & naive. I don't want anyone's pity.

Paradox Pt.2

Sometimes, I think I need to just call it a day and go back to the life I used to live. Return to the Highly Sexualized Asexual. My body is a bitch and I clearly am not meant to live as the sexual deviant I am in my head. The disconnect between mind and body is too large. It's so difficult to be myself and think and speak how I truly want to because I know my body can't deliver on all that, so I just feel like a liar or  hypocrite. "I don't deserve a relationship if I can't offer what was indirectly promised." I should just throw in the towel and go back to being the girl who constantly talks about sex, thinks about sex, writes about sex, watches sex, reads about sex, etc but never actually HAS sex. Life was different then, but at least I wasn't unhappy. And I definitely wasn't making anyone else unhappy. Horny? Absolutely. Disappointed from time to time? Maybe. But never inherently unhappy.

..........but then I remember how fucking good sex is when it works the way it's supposed to. Intense and messy wet and tingly through my whole body... and I say, "Fuck that." Literally.

eWhat? eMotions...?

Tonight, I am angry.