eWhat? eMotions...?

Tonight, I am angry.


I am angry and I am hurt. I am also a fair amount of disgusted and disappointed.

I am not supposed to be this person. I have always known exactly what I wanted and exactly what I needed and I have known what I will not accept, so that I never find myself feeling this way. I allowed myself to feel this kind of low once before and I said never again. Yet I am here and now I am ANGRY!

I've always believed the only person who should have control over your emotions is you. There is only one person who should control your self-worth. One person who dictates your desire to live. No matter how much I love anyone, I have vowed never to give him/her that power over me - largely because I trusted if I allowed myself to reach the point of loving someone that much, I wouldn't *ever* have to worry about them having that power in the first place. Any person I love would never put my self-worth or my desire to live in danger ever again. The kind of love I want and need is the kind I can trust to put absolutely all of me into and know that I won't be endangered in any way.

I am questioning my self-worth and, frighteningly, finding my desire to continue my life unstable on a weekly basis. There's a small victory that it isn't daily anymore, but it still disgusts me. It terrifies me. And, truthfully, it infuriates me!

I am angry with myself for allowing myself to be put in this position. I can't put all the blame on anyone else because everything felt, by both parties, is completely valid and justifiable. But recognizing those things, why did I allow myself to be in such a volatile situation for so long? I saw how much a lot of things hurt me, so why have I allowed them to continue hurting me so repeatedly?

My biggest mistake in all of this is that I've been playing to not lose. After being at the centre of so much pain previously, I've feared anything that would cause that much pain again. I've allowed myself to be convinced that what I knew to be playing to win wouldn't work and would be self-destructive. I've accepted that premise and done my best to find every other possible way to get the desired end result. I was never brave enough to say "NO!" though. To say "No, as much as we fear what might happen, there's a better way to go through this." I was never brave enough to say, "This hurts me and as much as I know it's a valid and necessary reaction for you, I can't accept it in my life." I was never strong enough to state, "I know you don't like this and you view it as a reflection on you, an attack, but it truly is just an affirmation for me," and accept whatever reaction came without allowing myself to be torn down.

I feel like I've been so torn down. The time I spent building myself up, establishing who I am and making sure I was confident of my self-worth seems worthless now because I've allowed myself to be completely torn down by another person... and that absolutely infuriates me.

And now we're attempting to fix it the right way but, because it got to this point, it is extreme and it is excessively difficult. WHY didn't I just stop it before it got to this point?!

In this, I am not giving up on the process. I am not throwing away everything I have worked for. I am not discrediting the future we have planned. I know I'm not the only one who is hurt and disgusted and angry. And I know that this still is the most important thing I've ever done in my life. I believe in it 110%. I believe in both of us.

But right now...? Tonight...? Good Lord, I am angry.