Why is it we spend so much of our time, starting at pre-adolescence, trying to define ourselves? We spend so many of our waking hours trying to figure out who we are, what we want, why we're here, how we should be living our lives. And, it seems, as soon as we've got it figured out, something shifts and the whole process starts again.
I'm thankful that at a very young age, I figured out a lot of what lies at my core. There are certain things that I know, no matter what happens, will never change. And attempts at adjusting or stretching that core have only strengthened my resolve that I know what I want and have known for a long time.
But, still, there is just too much going on in life! I feel like I can't keep up a lot of time. As soon as I settle into one skin that finally gets me to my goal destination, I discover the goal comes along with all sorts of new scenarios and factors that make me start questioning all over again. I'm constantly adjusting and readjusting.
Settling into "married life" is, surprisingly, the most difficult change I've experienced in a long time. Considering how much I have gone through and how much I have changed in the last five years, I wouldn't expect a relationship to be the biggest mind-bender. What I want and how I wish to live within my married life is the one thing I have been the most confident about, even before I started figuring out anything else about myself. This is the one thing that has never changed within my mentality. But there is a vast difference between knowing it on an intellectual level and actually living it.
I find myself nervous all the time. I look at myself and see so much insecurity, questioning myself almost every single step of the way. I find myself to be inadequate. I am constantly worried about failure and constantly terrified of the consequences of that failure. After fighting for so long against those kinds of belittling, self-loathing feelings and finally being at a stage that I genuinely love and am proud of myself, it's extremely difficult trying to keep a good balance now. One half of me is remembering and reassuring that I am the intelligent, caring, well-intentioned, perceptive, open-minded, generous person I have worked HARD to be. Some days I find myself actually incensed, resentful of the fact that I'm made to question that self-worth. But then the other half of me is still hiding in the corner with a condescending sneer, hissing in the dark, "You stay fuckin up..."
We've all heard that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. Of course, we aren't even married yet, but I think we're seeing that. And in any similar situation, there would already be problems and issues arising - we've been unlucky enough to have more than our share of outside forces working against us in addition. This still is, without a doubt, the most important thing I have ever done in my life, though. And, until we start having children and raising our own family, it will be the most important thing to me. I know that contributes to a lot of the fear and insecurity; the stakes are too high. I really feel like this year will make us or break us and I hope what we can do is establish a solid foundation on which we can rest our relationship and the rest of our lives together.
I'm sure as soon as I feel secure and at a point where everything makes sense, something new will come up to completely rattle everything I think I know about myself and the world I live in.
..............can't wait.
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