Reconnecting With Her

Every once in a while, when I'm feeling extra lost, I go back and revisit the person I was when I was at my lowest. I always think it will help me put things in perspective and appreciate the life I have now... but it really just makes me feel even worse. I did not like much about myself or my life back then, but at least I knew who I was. I knew what I stood for and I knew who I wanted to be.

I wrote this at the time that I finally learned how to love myself fully and realized my own strength and self-worth rooted within. It seems so ironic now:

*****

i question:
d'you remember how once we loved each other?
not that we loved each other,
but how we loved each other?
do you remember that?
wasn't it... perfect?
wasn't it pure?
wasn't it fantastic?
did you feel like everything was right in the world, though you knew it wasn't?

i state:
that's what i feel.

i expand:
i love myself that way.
i can find that same joy within myself,
independent of how i'm connected to you.
independent of how i'm connected to anyone else.
remember the love you got from me,
and how you said i made you feel you deserved it?.
i know i deserve it.
i give myself that love.

i clarify:
oh, i do find love from other sources.
i connect to other aspects of my life,
find myself within them,
and that brings me joy;
that makes me feel love
for my life
and for myself.

i am:
pure.
my love is not the love of a child to her father,
or a girl to her sister,
or a woman to her first lover,
or even a being to her creator.
my love is the love of a woman to herself,
to her inner child,
to the artist within.

i wish i could explain to you this love.
i wish you could find this love for yourself,
so we can love ourselves, together.
i miss loving you.

but i know i can't love you wholly
until you also believe you deserve it.

 
 *****

The thing is, I honestly told myself I would never lose that love. I would never go back to feeling how I felt before I learned all these things. I recognized what I needed in life and in love and I understood how much I would need to make sure I always gave myself, never letting anyone else keep me from doing that. Yet I feel like I'm exactly where I was then. I feel worse off now that I was all those years ago. I've lost myself.

I miss her more than anything else...