how do we offer people the right help? the phrase of the month seems to be "it's just about touch" and i suppose this applies here too. realistically speaking, i suppose it applies EVERYWHERE -- moderation in all things.
i have this curse: i avoid helping people too much in ways they want/expect, but i seem unable to stop myself from helping in ways that are often unwanted. where it gets really tricky is when people tell me they "want my help, really value my help"... cuz then i feel somehow entitled to push myself in and offer assistance, only to be pushed right back out. "um, i didn't really ask for your opinion. i don't like it, don't agree with it. thanks anyway."
from a very young age, i got so SICK of people coming to me with the same kinds of problems, over and over. i seemed to be the only person who recognized the patterns and who was able to be objective enough to recognize solutions. and always, "khadija, you're so smart. omg, what would i do without you? whenever i have a problem with ____________, i'm coming to you." not to be self-righteous, but it got annoying as hell.
but i realize now it's equally annoying to put myself out there and try to help people, only to be turned away or shut out for whatever reasons. again, i'm not trying to be self-righteous but i SEE the issues. i SEE what's holding you back and how you can make small changes to better your situation, though it may be difficult. usually, when i get such closed off/oppositional responses to my offers of help, all i really hear is "no, i'd actually rather sit in this negative feeling a bit longer. it's just easier than recognizing my role in my own unhappiness or actively changing anything to fix it. thanks anyway."
and people are entitled to that. it's totally valid to need some time to sit in your negative emotions for a while, so you can properly process them. but if you're gonna be miserable, then don't bring it to me. thanks anyway. not cuz i'm a heartless robot who doesn't care about your feelings, but because you putting your feelings on me automatically ellicits a desire to help you. and i am NOT a fan of being "helpful" by sitting and listening to you bitch and complain. if you're gonna be miserable and not attempt to be productive, don't involve me. i just can't be part of that.
don't get me wrong, i have my times when i sit and mope and just allow myself to be miserable. if i didn't, then i WOULD be a robot. i sit & dwell in my negative feelings, i let the weight of them really hit me -- simply so i'm fully aware of what i'm dealing with. and i try to avoid that negativity spilling over onto anyone else; it's an internal process. but then i get up, i shift gears in my mentality, and i WORK TOWARDS CHANGE.
it's just so hard to try to help people who aren't ready to put in that work. part of them hears and understands what i'm trying to share with them. they're just not ready to internalize it nor consider putting it into practice. quite frustrating, but moreso it's just heartbreaking. what the heck do i do??
of this, the biggest lesson i have learned over the years is don't offer help that hasn't been asked for. if they're not asking, they probably don't want it. it's just really hard to sit back and watch your loved ones be stuck in unwanted situations or, even worse, watch them head down a path you KNOW will end badly. i want happy, healthy lives for EVERYONE. i just gotta realize they also want that for themselves, but on their own terms. and it may simply take them a little bit longer to get there...
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