I don't know how long ago this started, but for about the past year I've been experiencing pain when I have sex. I won't go into the details of it, but on and off, to varying degrees, almost every time I've had sex, it has been painful. I've seen my doctor at least 3 different times and gotten three different treatments from him [and one over-the-counter treatment], yet still... pain. Sometimes the medication would make it a little bit less painful. For the space of about ONE WEEK I felt completely okay and we were revelling in being back to normal [fucking 2 or 3 times on a regular day]. Since that fateful week, though, it has been... excruciating. There is no word short of 'excruciating' to explain what I endure everytime we do it.
I went through being sad and disappointed. I went through being frustrated, angry, pissed at my body. Now I just feel despondent. I am finished. I have no energy left to keep going through this. More than anything, the guilt is crushing.
We've tried to adapt, but I've ended up feeling like it's my duty to please him [moreso than I already used to]. Acts we used to enjoy are not as fun/exciting because they are no longer additions to our sex life but carry the entire weight of our sex life. I can't enjoy things the way I used to because a lot of time I feel like I'm doing work to satisfy him [rather than just enjoying it]. Not to say I shouldn't put in work to please him, but it's gone from occasionally putting it down to really make him happy to consistently putting in so much effort to merely give him a consolation prize. I feel guilty for not being excited to cater to him anymore.
He's also let it be known that he doesn't want me to feel like I'm doing him a favour. He wants it to be something we both enjoy equally, something we can give to each other. Yet the fact that my desire and enthusiasm have been dropping so drastically makes me feel guilty once again. Not to mention that my everything is really sensitive. What used to be a great asset to my sexuality has become a burden: before it used to take next to nothing to get me going, get me turned on, get me off, I now find myself literally begging him to stop... not in the cute, playful, ooh-this-is-too-good way but the i'm-afraid-i'll-kick-you-in-your-face-if-you-keep-that-up way. & I realized tonight he has learned my body SO well over the last two years and he knows exactly how to please me... so now it's too much, it's too quick, it's too much stimulation and those very things are slightly unpleasant to me. I feel like a completely douche that he puts so much effort into pleasing me and I just do not feel the same, physically nor mentally.
The drastic change from how we used to be is what hurts me the most. I know we are compatible in many different ways, we both gain a lot from being with one another in many differest aspects of life. But one large bonus [and one of the first things that drew us together] was how sexually compatible we were. My desire was just short of his, but high enough that it didn't take very much to get me willing and ready. We both enjoyed sex thoroughly and loved playing, learning, experimenting, etc. We would spend entire days and nights in bed, doing nothing but enjoying each others' company and each others' bodies. I miss that. I want that. I hate that I physically can't do that anymore. But now I feel like the person he signed up to be with is gone, because sex has taken on so much weight that I psychologically can't do that anymore, either. He has wants and expectations we've set together that I'm falling short of.
Sex is stress. It's frustration. It's sadness. It's anxiety. It's confusion. It's pain. It's effort. It's guilt. I just don't understand why something so good is being turned into something so negative.
I'm trying so hard and I probably have the most patient, caring, compassionate, understanding boyfriend in the world. He does his best to make me comfortable and happy. He makes it very clear that he's adapting, he's not upset, he's not disappointed in ME. He makes sure I understand that he loves me and is happy to be with me, sex or no sex. He declares that he would rather spend time with me and enjoy other aspects of our relationship than put stress or frustration on me with sex [or do anything that might damage the body/reproductive organs that will hopefully bear his children]... and all that does is make me feel even more guilty. He deserves the sex life he wants/needs.
I'm not sure the purpose of writing this. Usually I write to formulate my thoughts and try to make sense out of them -- I write to find answers. I have no answer for this, though. There is nothing within the confines of my mental capacity that can explain nor find a solution for this. I've been contemplating a sex therapist to help me deal... if I could afford such a thing. Because it's really fucking with my
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