My Voice: The Beginning

I had reached a point at which I knew I wanted something - I couldn't quite identify what it was, yet I knew I was ready to go out and start searching. But the quickness and ease with which I found it made me realize I'd never had much hope to actually find what I was looking for; I was simply trying to enjoy the process. The process was anything but enjoyable, though.



He was a random guy I'd seen at trainings every few months over the years. We'd spoken here & there, but nothing lasting nor memorable. This time, however, we were drawn together by our mutual friend, so the three of us became a bit of a tandem. Even after the mutual contact removed himself, he & I continued to stay together, talking and joking throughout the redundant training. At the end of the week, I realized I could either walk away and let it burn the way I always did with random people I met, or I could make an effort to continue this new connection. So we exchanged numbers.

Our friendship began with a few playful texts back & forth. We realized very quickly that we enjoyed talking to each other. Randomly one night downtown with my friends, I got a phone call from him. As someone who HATES the phone, I was pleasantly surprised that we spoke the entirety of my journey home [which is quite the journey in those after-clubbing hours]. He met me close to home to drive me the rest of the way and we spent the remainder of the night, into early hours of the morning, sitting in his car outside my building. That night I felt he was trying to gauge my interest in him, sexually. At that point, all my usual guards were up & I had no intention of lowering them. Him tickling playfully, laying his head in my lap, wanting to hug me again and again all set off alarms and made me rather uncomfortable. But the conversations we had and the natural ease in our interactions made me want to play it out and see what more could be there.

Our conversations after that night became quite open & explicit, being simply a discussion of what we wanted from one another. I spoke candidly of my reservations regarding sex, both from my limited history and from my concerns with pain in the past. I was taking my time deciding if to sleep with him. There was no question of whether or not we'd be friends. Neither of us had any thoughts of dating or exploring a romantic relationship. We were simply discussing whether or not to have sex.

With this new phase of my life and new willingness to search for what I wanted, I abandoned all of my usual hesitation and decided to just let whatever happened happen. There was no thought, no questions asked, no fear. I said I would enjoy the experience and accept whatever consequences came as a result. So one night he came over and I invited him into my bed. Then all communication ended.

For the span of about two weeks, I neither heard from him nor did I try to contact him. I felt no regret. There was no sense of disappointment. I had done what I'd set out to do: break free of myself and have a new experience. I didn't miss him. Had things ended right there, our lives would have gone down completely different paths. We would have lived the lives we imagined ourselves having.

But after that two week span, I got a text message from him. We fell back into our new friendship effortlessly. From that day and for the next few months, we became integral parts of each others' lives. We got in the habit of texting back and forth all day. We started falling asleep on the phone with each other most nights. Our friendship was deep and unlike any other either of us had experienced before. We related to each other on so many levels. We understood each other in so many ways. We realized what existed between us was unique and valuable and we wanted to ensure we held on to it for a very long time. We were honest about all of our shortcomings and things that could be potential issues between us then made sure we took tangible steps to avoid those issues ever coming up. We challenged each other. We tried to get as much as we could out of our friendship, drawing good qualities from one another and finding those qualities within ourselves for the sake of the friendship. I told him numerous times, I never imagined myself opening up so much or putting in as much effort to maintain a relationship with anyone other than my future husband [.......I'm gonna take a moment to marvel at the foreshadowing in real life. *ahem* Wow. Okay]. While our relationship was not at all romantic - despite our still having sex regularly - the emotional ties we had built were stronger than either of us expected. They were stronger than either of us was ready to acknowledge. And therein lay our first mistake.