Paradox

Highly Sexualized Asexual.
Chaste Deviant.
Ethical Slut.

Over the years I've accepted those labels and others in terms of my sexuality and relationships. I coined a lot of em, actually, cuz I was the only one I knew. Was hoping to start a trend...

On one hand, I have very specific ideas of what I want in a relationship. I have extremely clear standards. According to most of society, I stand on a high moral pedestal. I expect much more from myself & from my partner than the average person does [especially those of my age range]. I refuse to accept a lot that people have come to see as just "natural parts of relationships" - they're not natural, we as a society have just lowered our expectations so much they've become common.

With those high standards, I also am very selective, sexually. At the risk of sounding gassed, I have turned down an innumerable amount of guys. I have been cold and heartless, sometimes giving them glimpses of hope other times cutting their legs out from underneath them before they've really found their balance on their little Bambi feet. I will only sleep with people I deem worthy, and that worth is often based on those high standards I have for their personalities. I won't say I only have sex if I'm in "love" but I will only have sex if I'm in "respect you as a human being whom I can stomach having around for any extended period of time." Almost as good as love, no?

In the same breath, though, I am the most contrary to what our society accepts as "ethical" in a relationship. I have always, for as long as I've understood sexuality, had what I naturally recognized as a very high sexual interest. I find sex fascinating; I've spent excessive amounts of time looking at, reading about, studying everything about sex. It wasn't my dirty little secret, but it was definitely my little secret - I hid the highly sexual side of myself not because I was embarrassed but because I realized it was something amazing and I didn't want others tainting it with their cynicism and closed-mindedness. Sex is something I believe should be explored and celebrated, not hidden or felt shame about.

Aside from being highly sexual, I have also always been very unconventional. The first sign was my strong pull towards the queer community. Queer erotica was my pornographic material of choice. I was always drawn towards queer friends, specifically gay men and androgynous women. I found myself accepting the battle for queer rights as my own, even though I didn't [and still don't] identify as a lesbian.

As I always say, queers are much more open to different lifestyles cuz... hey when ur already an outsider, might as well do whatever the fuck you want; how much worse can the judgement get? So I learned more and more about different lifestyles and adopted those as my own as well, even though I didn't actually practice them. Non-monogamy. Swingers. Long-term relationships with no commitment. Limiting oneself to only casual sexual encounters. Asexual relationships. There are a whole variety of ways to relate to others in terms of romance and sexuality and they all made sense to me. They all make so much more sense than the "rules" of traditional monogamy.

Basically, what I learned in all those years of abstaining so completely from sex and relationships but spending ungodly amounts of time focusing on learning as much as I could about those very things was that it all comes down to two things: 1) doing what makes you truly happy and 2) being honest about that. The only relationship I can ever imagine myself having is one in which we're not denying ourselves anything, we're not limiting ourselves or making sacrifices for the "sake of love," and we are 100% honest about what we need & what we do. Its not about promises you don't really want to make or a sense of loyalty imposed by society and everyone outside of you. Its about being true to yourself and genuinely wanting what will make the other person the happiest, whether that is you or another man or woman or whatever. That is the only way I can ever be truly happy. If I am unable to do that, I will not be happy. If I know my partner is unable to do that, I will not be happy.

I'm a walking paradox. I have a ridiculously high moral standards. I choose to abstain from a lot of things our society views as normal. But I actively push the boundaries of society's moral code. I am an activist of being as much of a sexual "deviant" as one wants to be, doing whatever with whomever, whenever and wherever. Just be honest about it. Relationships aren't about what you do so much as how you do it.

It's that simple [to me].

P.S. Thinking back to those earlier days, Brian Kinney was, without a doubt, my role model in the overly sexual being who maintained a high moral code while actively fighting against almost everything society says is "right." He is the only person, real or fictional, I have ever seen who was anywhere even close to understanding how I view things and choose to live my life.