At the risk of sounding really dramatic and self-pitying, I can't help but feel like I'm being punished for... something. I know there are large parts of my childhood/adolescence I've blocked out by the fact that every once in a while I remember something pretty huge and I'm shocked. I am genuinely baffled by some new memory that pops up and it frightens me a little bit, but I can't change it. There are facts and events in my life that, for whatever reason, I have tried to forget. So, I'm sure there's something dark and mysterious in there somewhere that was so awful and so hideous that I buried it way in the depths of my mind, hoping to never have to think of it again. And I'm sure that karma is continuously kicking my ass for whatever that deep, dark secret memory is.

I am not well. For as long as I can remember, I have never been well. I know that living should not be this much work. I know that for most people, life doesn't come with so many discomforts and difficulties. I put so much effort into remaining positive, being optimistic, focusing on the good in my life, finding the bright spots in every situation. I exhaust myself constantly making sure I am not dragging myself down and getting stuck in the negatives. Yet negatives keep happening. I am plagued with negatives.

I've actually found myself, on more than one occasion, wishing for a chronic, fatal illness to strike me. One major blight on my life and my health... something that could justify all the discomforts and difficulties I face and would excuse the overwhelming hopelessness I feel at times. I would still try to remain positive, be optimistic, focus on the good, find the bright spots, make sure I'm not dragging myself down and getting stuck in the negatives... I'm not looking any kind of excuse to be miserable. I don't want to be miserable. I would just like some kind of solid, *singular* reason for my life being the way it is. Something I can look at and either know there's a solution for it or know there isn't one, so I know what to expect of my life.

I don't want this host of minor-to-medium-sized afflictions anymore. I don't want constantly feel distracted by not one thing, but another. I don't want to be so limited in what I can do or what I can feel comfortable partaking in or what I can experience. I don't want to feel like I'm such a limitation on the people around me. I don't want to constantly worry and stress about all these little things. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be able to focus on bettering myself and building a happy, enriching future. I want to be able to commit myself 100% to everything I try to achieve, rather than do so half-heartedly because I don't have enough of myself to give. I don't want a sub par life. I don't want a "d'ahhh well, make the most of it" life. I don't want to just settle for living the way I have been. I want a full life. I don't think that's too much to ask.

[P.S. I feel so whiny writing this because, from anyone looking from the outside, I have no reason to complain. I don't have cancer or HIV. I wasn't in a horrific accident which caused me to lose the use of both my legs. I haven't lost my parents nor my husband nor my children to some random act of violence. So I should just be quiet and be happy with what I have. Which is why I find myself sometimes wishing I did suffer one of those terrible misfortunes. I don't feel entitled to my feelings, even though I know my quality of life is so poor.]
[P.P.S. Self-Pity Party is over now... time to be grateful.]